I can't unsee anything anymore.

I had a baby.  Now, for some reason, I can't watch violent scenes in movies or on television without my whole body having a visceral reaction.  I feel like I'm going to cry and throw up at the same time.  I understand that this may not be BECAUSE I had a baby. That would be a mad case of post hoc ergo propter hoc.

I only know this: before I got pregnant, I could watch Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead. I could sit through the horror movies (preferable bad unbelievable horror with very limited production budget) my husband and I liked to make fun of.  Please don't misunderstand.  I'm not a fan of torture-porn, or violence for its own sake.  I need some plot, even if it's stupid on epic scales.  I could always withstand some murder-y grossness as it furthered the story.

As my son grew, he began to sleep more regularly, and at times, alone in his crib.  This happened around the one-year mark.  Once I put him to bed, instead of diving for my own bed in a desperate grab for any sleep at all just in case he awoke for any reason that only Mommy could take care of, I would join my husband in front of the television to enjoy some pop culture together, if only for half an hour.

I was actually doing okay for a while. I managed to get through a couple episodes of Daredevil with some minor wincing and looking away during fight scenes.  But it was when Vincent D'onofrio murders an associate so brutally, I jumped out of my chair, ran to the bathroom, and chundered like a snow-blower.  My poor husband. He had no idea what was going on.  As I wept and shivered, I explained to him that I couldn't watch the rest of it.  I didn't give up right away, I tested myself a little more with some Walking Dead, but it became pretty clear I wasn't going to make it.  I didn't even try to catch up with Game of Thrones. 

So, there you go.  I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't watch anything violent or disturbing.  I rarely get a break from working and parenting.  Why would I spend those precious minutes doing something that disturbs me or makes me unhappy?  I might build up some desensitization again, but I don't really know how that works.  How do you desensitize an over-active amygdala?  For now, I'll simply spend my few pre-sleep minutes watching something cute or funny like Bob's Burgers, or pretty like Jane Austen.  Daredevil will simply have to wait.